When one spouse is considering divorce but the other wants to save the marriage, the couple is in a terrible predicament. Both partners may be deeply distressed about the state of their marriage, but their experiences of the crisis can be strikingly different.
For one spouse, the possibility of divorce may represent the culmination of years of disappointment and fading hopes. For the other, it may come as a devastating shock, prompting an urgent desire to save the marriage. These different experiences can make it difficult for either spouse to feel heard or understood by the other.
For the Spouse Considering Divorce: Fading Hopes for a Better Marriage
For someone considering divorce, their outlook may have developed over years of disappointment, unresolved conflict, or growing emotional distance. They may have tried repeatedly to address problems in the marriage, only to become increasingly discouraged about the possibility of meaningful change. Eventually, they may begin to question whether they want to stay married.
Yet considering divorce does not necessarily mean wanting the marriage to end; these spouses may still feel attached to their partner; value the life they built together; and worry about the impact of separation on their family. So even as this spouse may doubt that the marriage can improve, they may also remain uncertain about ending it.
Meanwhile, their partner may be urging them to give the relationship another chance, which can add to their guilt and make them feel like their doubts and questions about the relationship are tantamount to a betrayal. If they are being asked to start couples therapy, they may worry that starting therapy reflects an implicit agreement to work on fixing the relationship – a relationship they are no longer sure they want.
For the Spouse Wanting to Save the Marriage: Anxiety and Shock at the Possible Loss
For the spouse who wants to save the marriage, learning that their partner is considering divorce can feel like their whole world is falling apart.
Even when they’ve been aware of problems in the relationship and have heard past complaints from their partner, they might have chalked them up to their busy and stressful lives or to a passing phase in the relationship. To cope with these complaints, they may have decided to hold on and keep things going in the hope of better days to come. Hearing their spouse speak of divorce may be the first time they suddenly realize the full extent of their partners’ unhappiness.
Frightened by the possibility of losing the marriage, they may respond by apologizing for past behaviors; acknowledging their partner’s complaints; promising to change; and expressing a renewed commitment to working on the relationship. Watching their partner respond to their heartfelt offers with skepticism may augment their worst fears and prompt them to make yet more promises.
Their different positions and outlooks on the marriage can give rise to a painful cycle. The spouse hoping to preserve the marriage may repeatedly initiate conversations, seek reassurance, and offer promises of change. The spouse considering divorce may experience these efforts as pressure and may respond by withdrawing further.
That withdrawal may intensify the other spouse’s anxiety, prompting even more urgent attempts to reconnect. As this pattern develops, each partner may feel increasingly misunderstood. The spouse considering divorce may feel that their expressions of dissatisfaction are still not being heard, while the spouse hoping to save the marriage may feel that their partner is denying them an opportunity to repair the relationship.
Why Couples Therapy May Not Work
When their marriage is in trouble, people often think of couples therapy as the obvious next step. But when one spouse is considering ending the marriage, couples therapy may not be the answer because traditional couples therapy generally assumes both partners want to work on the relationship. But this is generally not the case when one spouse is considering divorce and may feel they are past the point of working on the relationship.
For that spouse, the suggestion of couples therapy may sound like an invitation to return to efforts they believe have already failed. They may feel that their concerns went unheard for years and that agreeing to therapy would mean setting aside their doubts about the marriage – something they might feel they’ve been doing for far too long.
For the spouse hoping to save the marriage however, the other’s reluctance to start therapy can be difficult to understand. They may see couples therapy as an opportunity to finally address their partner’s concerns and see their partner’s refusal as a rejection of the marriage itself.
How Discernment Counseling Can Help When One Spouse Is Considering Divorce
Discernment Counseling was specifically developed to help couples where one spouse is considering divorce and the other hopes to save the marriage.
Unlike couples therapy, Discernment Counseling is only suitable for spouses who have different agendas and different views on the marriage. The counseling is thus not about repairing the marriage but about helping the couple “discern” whether they are still willing to work toward repairing it. The main purpose of the counseling is to help the couple gain “clarity and confidence” about the direction for the marriage.
The counseling process is brief and structured – 5 sessions at most. Much of the counseling involves one to one meetings with the counselor. At the end of each session, both partners get to decide if they want to hold another one. As the counseling progresses, the couple considers three possible outcomes for this process: 1) continuing the marriage as is for the time being; 2) moving toward separation or divorce; or 3) committing to six months of couples therapy with divorce off the table during that period.
For the spouse considering divorce, the sessions present the opportunity to tell their partner the reasons for their ambivalence about the marriage. For the spouse hoping to save the marriage, the sessions present the opportunity to tell their partner the reasons they want to repair the marriage.
With both spouses, the counselor facilitates a process of self-reflection to help them discern what happened to their marriage and how they each contributed to this outcome. Throughout this process, the counselor remains impartial without advocating reconciliation or divorce.
When one spouse is considering divorce and the other wants to save the marriage, their different experiences of the crisis can make it difficult for either to feel understood. Discernment Counseling provides an opportunity for both spouses to reflect on what happened to the marriage and to get clarity on their own contributions to problems in the marriage. The goal for the counseling is not to persuade either spouse to choose a particular path, but to help them get more clarity and make a more thoughtful and informed choice about the best way forward.
Learn More About Discernment Counseling
If one spouse is considering divorce while the other hopes to preserve the marriage, learn more about Discernment Counseling with Dr. Peter Lobl in Midtown Manhattan and online.
Contact Dr. Lobl to learn more or request an initial consultation.
