Discernment Counseling

In-person in Manhattan or Virtually from NY & Florida

Discernment Counseling is a brief, structured process for married couples where one partner is uncertain about continuing the marriage and about starting couple’s therapy. It is designed specifically for “mixed-agenda” couples where one partner is leaning toward leaving the marriage (the “leaning out” partner) and the other is leaning toward staying in the marriage (the “leaning in” partner).

Discernment Counseling is guided by two important principles:  respect for each partner’s autonomy in making decisions about their life and relationships and respect for their marriage as a uniquely significant commitment that warrants from the therapist a thoughtful stance – one that remains open to the possibility of repair.

By holding both positions in mind, the process creates space for each partner to feel understood without privileging one viewpoint over the other. At the same time, the focus is gradually directed toward the shared task of developing a clearer understanding of what happened in the relationship and how each person contributed to the current difficulties.

Discernment Counseling (3)

Through this process, Discernment Counseling helps the couple gain clarity and confidence on choosing one of three ways forward: keeping the marriage as is for now; separating/divorcing; or committing to a 6-month course of couple’s therapy with divorce off the table during that time frame.

Discernment Counseling is time-limited—one to five sessions. The process begins with a phone screening to assess whether the couple’s circumstances are a good fit for Discernment Counseling. If so, a 2-hour initial session follows the phone screening with follow-up sessions of 1.5 to 2 hours. At the end of each session, the couple makes a decision about whether to meet again.

A successful outcome is one in which both partners gain further clarity and confidence about what is next for their marriage and further clarity about their relationship patterns and their individual contributions to those patterns. Even if the couple decides to separate or divorce, Discernment Counseling aims to instill the hope that each partner will eventually carry what they learned into healthier future relationships.

Discernment Counseling is not suited for these situations:

  • When one spouse has already made a final decision to divorce;
  • When one spouse is coercing the other to participate in Discernment Counseling; or
  • When there is danger of domestic violence
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