Discernment Counseling
Discernment Counseling In-person in Midtown Manhattan, NYC & Online
What Is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment Counseling is a brief, structured process for married couples where one partner is uncertain about continuing the marriage and about starting couple’s therapy. It is designed specifically for “mixed-agenda” couples where one partner is leaning toward leaving the marriage (the “leaning out” partner) and the other is leaning toward staying in the marriage (the “leaning in” partner).
Discernment Counseling is guided by two important principles: respect for each partner’s autonomy in making decisions about their life and relationships and respect for their marriage as a uniquely significant commitment that warrants from the therapist a thoughtful stance – one that remains open to the possibility of repair.
By holding both positions in mind, the process creates space for each partner to feel understood without privileging one viewpoint over the other. At the same time, the focus is gradually directed toward the shared task of developing a clearer understanding of what happened in the relationship and how each person contributed to the current difficulties.
How Does Discernment Counseling Work?
Through this process, Discernment Counseling helps the couple gain clarity and confidence on choosing one of three ways forward: keeping the marriage as is for now; separating/divorcing; or committing to a 6-month course of couple’s therapy with divorce off the table during that time frame.
Discernment Counseling is time-limited—one to five sessions. The process begins with a phone screening to assess whether the couple’s circumstances are a good fit for Discernment Counseling. If so, a 2-hour initial session follows the phone screening with follow-up sessions of 1.5 to 2 hours. At the end of each session, the couple makes a decision about whether to meet again.
A successful outcome is one in which both partners gain further clarity and confidence about what is next for their marriage and further clarity about their relationship patterns and their individual contributions to those patterns. Even if the couple decides to separate or divorce, Discernment Counseling aims to instill the hope that each partner will eventually carry what they learned into healthier future relationships.
When Is Discernment Counseling Not Appropriate?
- When one spouse has already made a final decision to divorce;
- When one spouse is coercing the other to participate in Discernment Counseling; or
- When there is danger of domestic violence
Frequently Asked Questions
What is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment Counseling is a brief, structured process designed for married couples who are uncertain about the future of their marriage—typically when one partner is considering divorce while the other hopes to preserve and repair the relationship.
Unlike traditional couples therapy, Discernment Counseling does not begin with the assumption that both partners are committed to working on the marriage. Instead, its goal is to help each partner gain clarity and confidence about the path forward, whether that means making a concerted effort to repair the marriage or moving toward divorce.
How is Discernment Counseling different from couples therapy?
Couples therapy is designed to help partners improve their relationship. This often includes helping couples understand and change problematic relationship patterns, communicate more effectively, and strengthen their connection. For couples therapy to be helpful, both partners must be willing to work on the relationship.
Discernment Counseling is different because it is designed for couples where at least one partner is not sure they want to do that relationship work. For these couples, Discernment Counseling can help both partners gain greater clarity and confidence about the future of the marriage: either to work on repairing the relationship or to proceed with separation and divorce.
Can Discernment Counseling help us decide whether to stay together or divorce?
Yes. This is the primary goal of Discernment Counseling: to help both partners gain clarity and confidence about the future of their marriage and decide whether they want to make a committed effort to repair their relationship or move toward separation and divorce.
How many Discernment Counseling sessions are there?
Discernment Counseling is limited to a maximum of five sessions. The process begins with a brief phone screening, free of charge, to determine whether Discernment Counseling is a good fit for the couple. If so, the first session is two hours, and subsequent sessions are typically about 90 minutes. At the end of each session, each partner gets to decide whether or not they would like to schedule another session.
Can Discernment Counseling be done online?
Yes. Many Discernment Counseling sessions take place online.
Is Discernment Counseling right for us if one spouse wants a divorce and the other does not?
Yes. Discernment Counseling was specifically developed for married couples in which divorce is being considered and the partners are in different places about the future of their marriage. Typically, one partner is leaning toward divorce (the “Leaning Out” partner), while the other wants to preserve and repair the marriage (the “Leaning In” partner). This difference between the partners is precisely the situation Discernment Counseling is designed to address.
Is Discernment Counseling Right for You and Your Spouse?
If you or your spouse are considering divorce, contact Dr Lobl to see if Discernment Counseling may be appropriate for your situation